I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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