it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
