Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
