Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
