this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
