I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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