the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
