I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
