So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
