He disabled his match.com account in front of me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
