awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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