Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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