Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
