the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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