Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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