I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
