Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
