Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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