Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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