she was so not down for the gang bang
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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