sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
