I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
