I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
