Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
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I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies