What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime