I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
