I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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