I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
