I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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