hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
