I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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