The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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