I cut my penus on the lid.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
