I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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