I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
