Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
