pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
