Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
