Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
