I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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