got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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