Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
