When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
