Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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