I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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