Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
