did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
