nut hugger
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
