she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Holy sore nipples Batman
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
