also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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