apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
