of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
