I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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