Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
