i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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