If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
