Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
