You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
